Vacuum Cleaner for thoughts
Mr.Blob is this dusty spot on the lens of my specs who is
situated at an angle of elevation of forty-fucking-how-did-you-get-here
degrees. He gets a real kick out of playing pee-ka-boo at obstructing my vision
and sometimes getting on my nerves by making me squint to see properly. With
time, I got used to him. I let him stay on and he became a part of the lens. On
good days, when the sun rays hit Mr.Blob in the right mood, there would be a kaleidoscopic
glare that I claimed to hate but if I were being completely honest I liked it
quite a bit.
Today, I picked up a cloth and an optical lens cleaner and
wiped my lens clean, bidding goodbye to Mr.Blob. Having put this off for so
long and so often, I must say this goodbye was long overdue.
During the bus rides back home in the night, from project
classes in final semester I would think about it frequently, this word, this
degree, this designation – Engineer. It’s hard to explain the feeling it
evoked. There was sure to be a hint of a soft smile on my lips, that I had
learned to accept it. Accept that hopes and dreams are just words that will get
flushed down this four year mental drain of energy that took multiple swings at
my self-esteem. Maybe a sense of relief was washing over me in silent
acknowledgement that it was coming to an end.
When I sat down to write a Statement of Purpose ( hastily at
that ) to apply for a few universities abroad to study law, I found myself
having to justify why I had made, in many people’s view a seemingly bizarre choice
of opting Law after Engineering. At my first go, what I came up with was a piecemeal
distorted conglomeration of what I had been telling people. With each person I
justified myself to, I had moved an inch farther from my fundamental reason. It
was only after what might possibly be the most passive yet harshest criticism I
received for something I had written, from a friend who proofread my SoP, a
painstakingly awkward call and a minor mental breakdown later that I asked
myself the question – Why do I want to be a lawyer ?
The answer being - because I want to be a change. ( Apart
from I like arguing to prove my point )
“Oooh ! That’s interesting” , “Why didn’t you take it up after
12th ?” , “What kind of combination is that?”, You’re going to be a
divorce lawyer haha” , “You’re going to be a lawyer fighting for feminism”, “Women
don’t do well in this profession”, “You don’t have to practice, you can go for jobs like legal adviser”, “It’s easy for you because your father
is an advocate"
These are a string of things that I heard in varying tones,
at times while being laughed at like I was some sort of joke but
uncharacteristically I did not lose my temper. Not cause I was so grown up that
I chose to be the bigger person, but because the subtle and persisting
discomfort had given way to shame. I was ashamed of my choices.
Two months into my law degree, I don’t have much to complain
about except for the ineptitude of the education system. Stripped off my
reasons to be sad, I am simply sad without reason.
Over the years, the strife of not getting to pursue my
interests ensured that the crux of my personality was based on rage, rebellion,
lackadaisical attitude and a galore of defense mechanisms.
Watered down as these are now, embarking on adulthood, at least
as I see it, means having to rebuild the crux of my personality. ( You know
like in the movie Inside Out, we need new Islands and Sadness is as important a
character as Joy) Instead I could clean my room, my wardrobe, go shopping, create
more dissatisfying artworks, eat all the dessert in the world but without
coming to terms with the haunting realization that I don’t know who I am
anymore, I can not bid farewell to Mr. Blob.
Linking every mom’s grievance when it comes to cleanliness of
their child’s room and a concept in mindful meditation is what I call a Vacuum
Cleaner for Thoughts. If your brain is your room and each thought an object
thrown about the room randomly, you can approximate how cluttered your brain is
considering the rate at which thoughts are produced. Have a clearance sale once
in a while, sit yourself down, use a vacuum cleaner for your thoughts to clear
away redundant ones while organizing and prioritizing the important ones.
An important
thought I wanna sell at today’s clearance sale is my goodbye, to you guys. We
have reached the end. And in the end, like in the beginnings there is so much
you want to say but you better not.
So if you
are reading this, thank you ! There is a writer in me so long as there is a
reader in you.
Did I solve
it then ? The conundrum of teenage ? Hey, I tried.
Well then, onto adulthood. Au revoir.
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